Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Girl Friend Talk- Part 1

The topic of girl friends (friends who are girls) is as broad ranging of a subject as any known to man- the dymanic between a woman and her closest friend is often as, or more, complicated than your average marriage. I wouldnt dare try to speak generally about a topic as close to my heart or as deeply routed in our female psychee as this and so I'll be breaking this up into a series of posts I'll call "Girl Friend Talk".

I was inspired to write this series of posts because I have a very, very dear friend Barb, who I usually talk to every day, sometimes more.... She is the kind of friend who knows me better than I know myself, the kind that offers unquestionable support and a swift kick in the ass when needed....the one I know I can trust with every secret, insecurity and heartache. She is my go-to-gal and confidant- the Thelma to my Louise.

The past few weeks we havent been able to chat as much as usual as we've both been unusually busy. That little missing piece of my day is an unwelcome hole, an absense that makes me realize just how much joy our daily chatter brought to my life. I am sure that things will go back to normal soon but I couldn't help but worry this evening, as another day passed without our usual chat, that there may come a time where we will naturally drift apart- A change of schedule, a big move or perhaps a new friend to takes over that role of prominence in her life. Sometimes one friend drifts away before the other is willing to let go and jealousy, hurt feelings and bitterness can result. I've had that happen a time or two. I think I've always been more insecure in my friendships than I have have been with men and relationships. I've lost a few girl friends over the years, which is never easy for anyone but particularly difficult when, by nature, one is as fiercely loyal as I am. I trust in the strength of Barb and I's friendship, that I will always be blessed enough to count her as one of my closest friends and ally. I write this by way of example, to show that even a friendship as time, tested and true as ours is not immune to the oversensitive, insecure, dynamic and diverse layers that make up a friendship between two women.

And I know she'll kill me for posting this...but I will anyways! I can just hear her voice callin' me up to say, "Are you crazy! I call you all the damn time but you're never home!" and then I'll say, "I called you twice yesterday!" and then she'll counter with "Whatever! I called you three times the day before!" and it will go on from there...


Lets start by gaining a consensus-

Do you have a girl friend whom you consider your "best friend"?

Do you have one girl friend who you see or talk too most often? If so, how often do you speak to her or see her?

I've always disliked the term "best friend" because it is so exclusive... it is the kind of word that as an insecure girl I learned to dread as the cliquey, catty, groups in school perpetually dumping one and other (or me) for their next "best friend"...

...and I think anyone I love has an inherent value that is both without measure or class.

Next post in this series will be about friendships that have gone awry- titled, "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do".


  1. Ahhh....this is a tough one for me. Like you, I've always been more insecure and guarded in my female relationships than those with partners or men in general. As a result, I've never really had that type of relationship with any woman. Sure, I've got friends and we go out and call each other, etc. But I've never experienced that unconditional, there-for-each-other-through-anything type of friendship that I've always craved. My closest friend has always been my cousin who, at 2 hours away, is the closest she's ever physically been to me. We email almost daily, but don't chat frequently on the phone and only see each other about once per month. We both know that we will always be there for each other, though.

  2. Interesting topic...I've seen this discussed many times, only from a 'male commraderie' point of view, not from the female side.

    Unfortuntately I've been close to a few women in the past, only to have been burned badly. Now I keep my distance. My Bridal party would be extremely small.

    So to answer your questions:
    No I don't have a 'best friend'. I have one women who is a good friend, but not someone I could let me guard down with, or spill my soul with.

    This one female friend I see often. During the school semester I see her daily, and we spend hours studying and preparing assignments together. During workterms I email her daily, and we meet once a week for yoga or drinks.

    Of course I have my sisters and my Significant Other's sisters, we would all be much closer but for the distance. I'm sure that will all change once I move back home.

    You articulated it very well, the close relationship that can form between two women. And how it organically disintegrates as easily and naturally as it formed.

    Do you find you've become more wary of people as you progress through life? That's been my experience.

  3. Hmm, I'll be interested in reading everyone's comments about this. I don't have a best female friend, I'd say my sister is the one that fits that bill. I have had three very good friends over the years and they all ended badly. So now I have casual friends, mainly the moms of my boys friends so we get together for kid get togethers. But personally I find women very difficult to be friends with, you never know if they are going to take something wrong or get their nose out of joint about something, or maybe I just have a big mouth! I envy men, they can be jerks to each other one day, then the next day they're buddies again, they never seem to hold a grudge. With women forget it! They will carry a grudge for years and the person that wronged them won't have the slightest idea why they are angry.

  4. A great topic! I have had several close girlfriends but non recently. I just turned 40 and it seems to be getting harder to connect with people and make lady friends. My last BFF broke my heart when she loaded up her mare and moved 1000+ miles away. We kept up on the phone for a bit. Now 4 years later I cant remember the last time we talked.. sad. I also reconnected with a close friend from high school and we have great phone conversations... she lives in the midwest so too far for coffee or dinner. I really value her insight. We seem to be making similar life choices right now but, after high school we had very little in common. I like how you can go for years then one day get in touch and it is as if no time has passed. Wish I had some lady friends close by! I have male friends too but, it is a different level of connection.

  5. my bestfriend is my husband, no doubt about it. I think girls learn in grade school that having a female "best" friend is a curse! lol I have a few girl friends that are dear to me but I wouldn't dare to call one a bestie.... I'm with you, too exclusive. Each of the friends are here/there for different things!

  6. My go to girl is one I've been friends with since we've been 10 years old. We met through 4-H and interestingly enough weren't best buddies during our school years. It wasn't until we became adults that we became closer. We do email or talk pretty much everyday - and we can fight as we have very different personalities. (Think how sisters fight!) Our spats are shorter and less severe these days, mostly because we're mellowing and I'm not as sensitive to her personality quirks.

    Right now she lives 3 hours away and we're lucky if we see each other 4 or 5 times a year.

  7. Oh - I forgot - three years ago I got pretty sick and I learned very quickly who is/are your true friends. And this one went to the wall for me - her entire family (mom and sisters) opened their arms and hearts prepared to take care of me as mine (family) was away. I will never forget this. There was no hesitation to offer to take me to my treatments and to care for me until someone could come.

    Thinking about this makes me tear up - a good friend is worth their weight in gold!

  8. Wow, I have to say I'm kind of surprised. I really thought I was alone in not having a super close female friend, but it seems like a lot of us feel that way. Interesting...

  9. As I got older, it became much easier to have close girlfriends. In high school, I had ONE! Now, I have several that I keep in touch with all over the country. Some I talk to regularly, some, months might pass before I do.

    I personally don't need daily contact to feel close to the people I have chosen to get close too. Huh...that might have something to do with having a long distance relationship with My Honey for nearly 8 years.

    I do have a "best friend" partner(in crime-;). We were tighter than sisters for years. Now she lives 1200 miles away, has married and had a baby. I do not talk to her as often as I used to. But she will always be my partner and anytime either of us call one another it's like we haven't missed a beat.

  10. It's like we are one brain in two bodies BEC!I was seriously going to blog on this topic! BFF 1 and BFF2- I have a few great Best Friends- though I don't label them one and two! I have one that I've known since I was five years old( a VERY LOBG time.)

    I have my writing BFF- she's the one that knows me better than I know myself and vice versa.

    I have my Horse Show BFFs - we laugh and ride and enjoy all the best things in life together!

    I have my daughter BFF's too! They do everything with me and I am positively giddy when I'm with them.

    So I DO think women can form lasting and serious bonds- but it takes age and wisdom- and like everythig else, it takes putting their wants and feelings before yur very own!

    Thanks for the post!
    I hope we are Blogger BFFS!

  11. Yes, I do. But she is not the girl friend I see most frequently because she now lives on the other side of the planet! We don’t really call each other “best friends” but I’ve known her for about 23 years! Whoa. That’s kinda nuts! Some of those years we were very close, some we led different lives but we always find each other again. I know what woman I can and would go to when push comes to shove. I agree with your description of the term “best friend” but I admit, reluctantly, that I still find myself feeling that old insecurity from time-to-time. Yep, it feels good to have someone say you are their best friend, what can I say? I don’t really have a close girl friend that I see regularly but I have GFs I see occasionally.

    My husband is really the one I would comfortably label “best friend” without any qualms.

  12. Good topic and agree with what most everyone is saying. I've been burned by more friends than men. I think it's because in our effort not to hurt, we perhaps hurt more because our intentions/feelings are not always clear. Who knows. But I keep my guard up.

    I have a pretty large circle of women friends, some closer than the other with whom I talk to a few times a week. But I do miss having a "best" friend. I'm 48 yrs old. I hope that part of my life is not gone.

  13. Very interesting topic! I do have a BFF who was pretty much "love" at first sight 15 years ago. We email back and forth almost daily and try to have a date night once a week, just to get some girl time. Even with all of that, all the times that she's been there for me and the years of sharing, it's still not as open and unguarded as the relationships I've had with boyfriends.

    I have a few close girlfriends and the dynamics of each of those friendships is very different. I have my girlfriend that I know I can always get an honest answer out of, whether it's what I want to hear or not and others that will just comfort me and tell me what I want to hear. They each have their own areas of "expertise" too...some of them are my crafty go-to-gals, some are horsey stuff, some are house/yard project get the idea.

  14. My dearest, oldest friend, K, I have known since 2nd grade, we were neighbors and went to school/college together. So, nearly 30 years of friendship! We aren't as close as we used to be (we were even roommates for several years) because she is married and busy, but when we get together, it's the same as it always was. She's like my sister.
    I have another friend I email with nearly every day, and get together with every few weeks, we've been friends (met at work) for about 10 years. I have another group of girlfriends that I hang out with but they are all married and starting to have kids so it's been less frequent over the past few years as our lives are just different. A more recent friend, a co-worker I've known for 5 years but started carpooling with last year and hence had a lot of "chatting time" with, has become a really great friend. She's about 9 years younger than me, but kind of an old soul. We both love country music and cowboys!! She's a PBR girl, I'm a horse girl, LOL! She is very loyal, the kind of person who would do anything for you and is always up for something. Friendships are important, but they do evolve and change over time. The true ones will always be there for you, and I do agree that certain situations in your life help you realize who your true friends are. I also think that some friends are there for a short while only, maybe they were placed in your life for a reason. Others, are forever.

  15. the close relationship that can form between two women. And how it organically disintegrates as easily and naturally as it formed.

    Work from home India

  16. You are crazy! Its funny because when you have such a good friend its so hard to imange not talking to them everyday. I have been so wrapped up in my new job its been crazy.I REALLY MISS YOU and I have phoned you several times but you have been out. Tag your it.

  17. My BFF and I have a 17 year relationship. It's gone through growing pains and some distances, but we've stood the test of time. I usually talk to her 1-2 times a day, every day. However, she's in school right now and she works full time and she has a couple horses she's riding for people on top of her own and, and, and!

    We live about 3 hours apart. I miss her phone calls right now horribly. BUT, I support her going to school, and she'll call when she has a moment to breathe.