Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bitches- warning contains adult content!

So, here it is....I am a total bitch. And I believe, most women I know are! We, as a species are cranky, rude and catty as hell. We are jealous and tenacious, self righteous and cunning. Sure we can be sweet, and soft and motherly. We can present a gracious facade while serving our worst enemy tea but... But! beneath it all, we are, almost all, to a tee, bitches! Except for....

There are rare and saintly women out there that never seem to have a bad day. Women like these usually walk around in a perpetual state of happiness with Cinderella-esk mice and birds following them along as they walk through life, (singing no doubt.) Their houses are always clean, their hair always done and they never, ever shout. They speak in a soft whisper, giggle like schoolgirls and say, "Oh, bless you dear!" when you sneeze. Their husbands are lovingly tended to, children, well behaved and they never, ever swear. I think that they also have people chained up in their basement! and S&M parties on weekends. I like to call them "The Jones's".

There is a Dutch town close to where I live named Lyden. It's streets are clean and lawns, perfectly groomed. Huge Oak trees overhang the main drag and cute country stores line the sidewalks. Each house has shutters and fresh paint and everyone smiles and waves as you drive through. It is a picturesque little town and just so happens to creep the shit out of me. Lyden is filled with "Jones's"! Cookie cutters, if you will, that I deeply distrust. I am sure that the town harbours a cult of some kind...one that brainwashes their disciples into mowing their lawns twice a week. I swear that Lyden's citizens have a slightly glazed over look to their eyes. and am surprised that the women don't all wear dresses, Stepford style.

I like imperfect people and bitchy women. The ones that can be snitty at times and that forget your birthday or drink to much on the weekend. The ones that say, "I love my husband dearly, BUT,...." I remember the first time I saw my darling 75 year old, 70 pound, 4'10" grandmother say, "Fuck!" LOL, I do! And it was not over something major. We had run out of marshmallows! My mother, she likes to mutter "Oh, assholes!" They are sweet and gentile but they are real women! Women are bitches because we are emotional and because we care....or because we have PMS or peri, pre or post menopause. As much as I would have liked to see a Hilary Clinton become the first female president, the idea of a menopausal woman running the free world scared the living shit out of me! Can you imagine! I can see it now..... The Commander and Chief saying, "Damn, where in the hell is Iraq again? I cant remember shit these days! ...Oh, to hell with'em! Blow it all up! And get me a cold freakin' towel while your at it. Who turned the heat up again?"

On second thought, maybe that is just what the US needs!

How is that for being bitchy?

*** something funny for you all*****

When I googled images of "bitchy woman" to see if I could find a funny cartoon for this post, a picture of Hilary came up. Seriously!

8 comments:

  1. lol!! That is so true. And your Jones's? Isn't that movie Stepford Wives about that? The cookie cutter perfect trophy wives? Didn't they do a revolt or something? I never saw it, but from the previews and what I heard, I think it is. lol. I'm guilty as charged though. Thank GOD I have an understanding boss and I've lasted here 5 years so far. I've said some pretty mean and nasty things to him on ocassion, with his prompting of course ;) Good post. That's funny her pic came up with that search.

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  2. LOL-I'll take a "real" woman over one of those phony ones anyday.

    I think you also just described Anthem, AZ too. It's a community outside Phoenix. I used to grocery shop there once in awhile. It was scary.:o

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  3. ROTF LMAO - yea, I can't imagine Hillary being in. Wonder what she could accomplish on a bad day - there wouldn't be a world left! Love the Stepford Wives and Jones's... I agree with BECG - that is Anthem, AZ and some of my neighbors!

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  4. What a great post! Like some of the other people who have left comments, I always call those women "Stepford Wives." Let me be the first to announce that I am NOT like that at all...I come from a long line of bossy and bitchy women...heeheehee!!!

    About Hilary Clinton...I always wonder what our friends up North think about our politics down here.
    I can just imagine.... :)

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  5. Thats a funny pic of Hilary! ;)

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  6. Hey Chel,

    I was reading some of your past blogs as I know there was stuff I missed - this was one. OMFG!! I was sitting here laughing my a** off, howling!! And Logan's looking @ me - like "what is so funny, Mommy??!!" Couldn't figure out what I was laughing at so hard that I had tears streaming down my face...just picturing Lynden.
    Please, please, girl you need to start writing/publishing books!! I can't get enough of your blog!
    Jaimie

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