Drunken Behavior

(Finishing off the Lava Flow and already getting sassy)

I'm a drunk. A total slosh as a matter of fact. I have had (count them) 6 - SIX!!- whole drinks!! (in the past two months!) Which is about six more drinks than I usually have in a year. Good heavens! What has become of me! As a rule I don't drink. This being at least in part as a result of a total lack of ability to hold my alcohol. Where I come from that is not said as a point of pride. In fact, where I come from those who can refrain from drunk behavior after consuming copious amounts of alcohol are actually held in rather high regard. While those who cannot "hold their alcohol" are also appreciated in direct relation to how entertaining they are rendered by their drunken antics, such hilarity most often been had at the expense of said drunks self respect and personal safety.

I must say that as much as my family has been effected by alcoholism in the past, today my closest family members are all the best group of "drinkers" you've ever met in your life. They drink. They laugh. They laugh about drinking. They relentlessly poke fun at themselves, their spouse and their children (and in that order) but rarely, if ever (and never in most cases) have I ever seen any of them out of control, belligerent, puking, staggering, or exhibiting other symptoms of drunkenness gone to far. Jovially, responsibly, and mildly inebriated- that's how you'll find most of my family at the end of a get-together. And then there is me. The stone-cold-sober one who must endure their endless taunts, their teasing and endless attempts to peer pressure me in to having "just one". And should I give in I must endure their endless taunts, their teasing, and endless attempts to peer pressure me into having "just one more". And heaven help me if I show even the tinsiest hint that the first drink had any effect!

I can tell you, without a word of a lie that I have actually been drunk, (full out, over the limit drunk) less than handful of times in my life.... and one of those times just happened to have happened (accidentally mind you) in Maui... witnessed by my Aunt, sister and Mother, the three people who are least likely to ever let me live it down.

Everyone seemed to think it would be like sacrilege to leave Maui without having had a single drink and even I had to agree that was a little unreasonable. What better place to indulge than with a Blue Hawaii and a Poo-Poo (appetizer) on the lanai at Moose McGillycuddys watching a perfect Maui sunset over Kamaole Beach. A Blue Hawaii- Blue Curacoa, vodka, rum, pineapple juice rendered a most ominous looking color- that which would usually be reserved for porta-potties. FYI- nothing teal ever tasted good. Instinctively, like with other foul tasting things, I decided the best plan of attack would be to drink it as fast as possible as to clear the coaster for something that I could actually enjoy. So I did. And then, feeling fine, I ordered something called a Parrot Bay Lava Flow that tasted like the most delicious strawberry sundae you've ever had in your life. Never one to slowly savor something so scrumptious I promptly downed that glass too.

(Me, The Blue Hawaii, and my Mom)

Now, for some this might not have been a problem. Two drinks....two rather TALL drinks. Two drinks totaling far more than two ounces of alcohol and totaling far more alcohol than sufficient to get me drunk (consumed in no more than twenty minutes.)

And then I had to walk back to our condo.... which required I navigate some very steep stairs from the top floor of Moose McGillycuttyes.... Down a very uneven sidewalk.... In the dark..... In sandals..... With my Aunt, sister and Mom doing everything in their power to undermine by ability to look sober while optimising on the hilarity of my attempts to do so. At some point I asked "Is it normal for you legs to feel reeeeallly reeeeallly heavy? 'Cause my legs are like reeeeallly reeeeally heavy and it's like really not easy to walk. It feels as if I have fifteen pound weights strapped to my feet" I also redundantly stated "I think I'm drunk!" on just about as many occasions and I most adamantly stated, "I am not drunk!" Those two blocks to condo felt like a mile. My sister decided to stop at a little trinket shop along the way and my mom insisted I was swaying too precariously to be trusted near the display cases so I was left outside to stare fascinatedly at a yucca plant while they shopped. Finally we made it home. There I made scones because apparently I like to cook while drunk only I dont do it very well. My scones were later used like brick paper weights to anchor large objects from blowing away in the wind.

It was that long walk back to the condo that my Aunt imparted this most charitable advice "You must learn to sip, Chelsi. Sip your drink sloooowly." As sound as this advice may be, I think it better to just not drink at all. The teasing didnt stop when the drunkenness did. I had to endure weeks of being asked if my legs were feeling "heeeeavy" and everyone was told of the two drinks that did me in.

You'd think I'd learned my lesson but no! The night before last I once again gave in to their bad influence and was encouraged to drink two Palm Bays (that (note) come in a teal colored can!) Rather than succeeding in gaining a little respect amongst my new-found-drinking peers I was instead )and once again) the butt of the joke after I (innocently) observed that I couldn't possibly have "just one more" because "When I turned my head this way (looking left) and then turned my head that way (looking right) there appeared a lag in my vision." They found this quite humorous (you had to be there.)

The bottom line. I cant drink therefor I shouldnt. I do not drink. That is the rule and Mom, Fel and CC need to just accept that! Oh and another good rule to keep in mind is that any group of women who not only drink but actually LIKE Gin should not be trusted in matters pertaining to alcohol. Gin- the alcohol that is impossible to dilute into tasting like anything but hand sanitizer. Oh! And interestingly enough also appears in the Bombay Sapphire bottle as a (nearly) a porta-pottiesque color teal! Ah-ha! I told you!

Something tells me they wont quietly accept my pledge of reclaimed sobriety as easily as all that. But here's to hoping! *cheers*