Thursday, January 29, 2009

I Am Scared of Horses... again

(Cheekeye and I. (and that is a dirty spot on my shirt! Promise! *grin*)


A few of you have asked now about my knee and these injuries/accidents I keep referring too...so I thought I would clear things up in today's post. Grab a java, it's along one. Actually, one of my first posts told this story and was titled, "I am Scared of Horses"....


And I was (am).


From the age of twelve through eighteen I was a pretty fearless rider. I rode a lot of different horses and had my fair share of bumps, scrapes and bruises along the way but none of my (many) near death experience made much of an impression on my resilient and stubborn little adolescent mind. But then I didn't have a horse for a year or so between when I sold my old Arab (at 18) and when I rescued a little colt and mare (at 20) ....so when I found myself with horses again I was not quite as cock sure as I had once been but still pretty confident. I had raised my little colt from near starving to a fat and shiny beautiful dun yearling but (as he was cryptorchid (one nutter:)) I was forced to wait to geld him (hoping for his other nut to drop and avoid an expensive surgery). And so I had a feisty little long yearling that was starting to feel his oats and I was a little rusty and inexperienced with young ones. One day I was cleaning his paddock while he tore around the field- frolicking and frisky- when he came flying up beside me and reared up in my face. I tried to step back but was caught between the handles of the wheel burrow and was unable to avoid his front hoof as he came down.


I was lucky! Well, at least in that I wasn't more seriously hurt- he had only caught me a glancing blow as his hoof slip off my (rather round) head, avoiding the full concussion.... but it was hard enough to knock me unconscious.....and to knock some sense in to me.....


For the first time I recognized how quickly and easily things can go wrong with horses.... and how little room there is for error.


But... as mentioned in yesterdays post, I have always itched to ride the horse above and beyond my ability...


As such, it was only a month or so after that little incident that Tonto ne Cheekey ne Loachan stepped into my life.....


.... and that is where I can pick up my old post to tell you his story (slightly edited from the original).....


I am Scared of Horses....
July 13, 2008


I am going to step right out there and just say it like it is. I am scared of horses. I love them in a way that is unhealthy, spend most of my day with them or thinking about them and use the majority of my disposable income supporting them....and I am unequivocally, absolutely, undeniably scared of them.


I've finally concluded that admitting you are scared of horses is the proverbial "first step".....


"I, Chelsi Pitt-Jolie *wink*, am scared of horses."


You might ask, "Why? What happened?"


Well, let me tell you.


His name was Tonto. Stop laughing. I changed it the day I brought him home.


I went with Cheekeye. (cheek- eye)


Cheekeye was the word that my father would use to get me to stop doing something naughty or dangerous.... like running with scissors. As luck would have it, I ran into a "friend" one day that I hadn't seen in a few years.... she told me about a three year old bay gelding she needed to sell , ASAP. She said how she was in a "tight spot"....and "would I come and look at him?....He's worth five... but you (my dear sweet long lost friend) can have him for two! He's green but really athletic. Reg Breeding stock paint. You dont have to pay for him right away, just come get him, I'm moving to Alberta and need him gone"


So I bought him.....and yes, as a matter of fact, I am a class one, triple A, fell of the vegetable truck yesterday- sucker!!)


The first sign I was in for trouble was that this 15.1HH blood bay gelding had not been weaned. He was three. (Yes, I said three!) The second was that he tried to kick me the first day. He bunched up that big square quarter horse ass and let both back feet rip. Thanks to a slow-motion matrix style move, I walked away unscathed. I wasn't worried. I was good hand. Fugly doesn't even begin to describe the nags I had ridden. I had been in my fair share of wrecks, paid my dues and still had an grip on my iron nerves.....


I had also watched all the Natural Horsemanship clinics and videos I could find. Gawani Pony Boy and Monty Roberts were my heroes..... Checkeye and I were going to become one in the round pen.


Cheekeye had a cute little dished QH head with a big eye. He would have been sweet looking if only his ears hadnt been permanently stitched to the back of his neck. He carried his stocky square built body with the bravado of a stud and when I turned him loose he could twist himself inside out. I longed to ride him. We started in the round pen. Things seemed to be going well. Pony Boy would be proud.


I didn't see it coming. As far as my memory serves, Cheekeye had stopped and faced up, ears pricked forward and was starting to walk in. "Join up" was moments away. I smiled. In a split second he changed his mind and covered the 5 feet between us. He hit me square with his chest! I was sent flying- ten feet backwards- stopped by the rail of the round pen as it hit the centre of my back with a load CRACK! I managed to get to my feet in time to see Cheekeye peel away, his back feet a torrent of rage. I can still vividly recall what he looked like, a moment before he hit me...his eyes were rolled back into his head so far, all I could see was the white.


I didnt understand what in the heck I had done wrong! I blamed Pony Boy. We tried a different approach but I was weary and he smelled fear. The hands at the barn were becoming scared of him and wouldnt go in to his paddock without a pitch fork to drive him off. He tried to run me over a few times. I learned to watch over my shoulder at all times. He bit, kicked and had a nasty temper. But I had faith. And so I kept working with him. It seemed like we were getting somewhere... until.....


On a bitterly cold January day I mounted Cheekeye for the first time. He stood quiet, ears forward....which was good enough for me. As lightly as possible, I stepped off. My right foot was on the ground, left foot in the stirrup when he blew up- He lunged forward and cut in front of me.... my body was forced to follow him to the left but my right foot stayed wedged in a tight divot in the hard and frozen ground. I felt the cartilage in my knee tear at the same moment I managed to free my foot from the stirrup. I fell to the ground in a breathless heap, my heart as frozen as the ground beneath me and watched Cheekeye tear around the pen, puffs of white steam billowing from his nostrils like an enraged bull.


In the days and weeks that followed I didn't worry too much. I had broken bones before- the body heals... you go on. I went to a doctor but he was unconcerned, told me that I had likely tore something and sent me home with some pain killers, a crutches, and strict orders to stay off of it completely for a week (and nothing strenuous for four months). I was an idiot! Instead of going to my family doctor I trust some anonymous guy in a walk-in-clinic! I didnt get a second opinion, didn't demand treatment, physical therapy or even to be property diagnosed. My injury was not nearly as serious as others I have heard of...

But four years later I still have a bit of a limp in the morning... all because I didn't let it heal properly. It didn't take me long to figure out that that moment changed my life. I could not ride, I could not hike, I could not run (the only means I had ever found to keep my weight in check.) The pounds piled on, compounding the injury. I didn't sell Cheekeye .... as I felt responsible....I talked to the "friend" I had bought him off of and she claimed it was my fault.

So.... I sent him to a trainer I trusted, not just a good hand but a true Guru. I didn't so much as talk to the trainer or see Cheekey in three months. My mother and I made the trip North to see him on a beautiful summer day but the horse that my Guru pulled out was not Cheekeye. Everything about him, including some of the finer points of his conformation, had changed. His neck was loose and throat latch soft. His hind quarters seemed to have sunk into his hocks. Everything that had been held tight for so long had let loose. He jogged, loped and moved with any easy, carefree gate. The Guru suggested a new name, for a new horse. I called him Loachan (pronounced Low-kin) a Scotts Gaelic word I have since forgot the meaning of....I am sure it was something positive and optimistic. I cried the first time I rode him.


My Guru pointed to a gouge on the horn of his saddle and told me how it had gotten there- his spur had caught it the first time Loachan bucked. This guy used to ride broncs for a living.... and he said "this horse can buck..." The Guru figured that whoever broke Loachan had tied him up and broke him (physically and mentally), taking away a horse's first defence-flight. Loachan had learned to depend on his ability to fight instead- which was the reason for his aggression and the blind fear he displayed while delivering it. Much later, by chance, I learned the name of the cowboy that broke Loachan and how true that theory was. The stories I heard about his breaking methods turned my stomach.


I brought Loachan home and for the next 8 months I rode him and handled him without much event but I never trusted him. I did not look forward to riding him or even going to the barn. I started to get the shakes on the drive over and my stomach would be turning by the time I got to his stall. I told myself I was being ridiculous... to Cowgirl Up !!! My iron nerve was a thing of the past. I was mortified.


One day, the barn manager was pulling Loachan's herd mate out of the field but he kept crowding the gate so- as she had her hands full- she tried shooing him away by kicking dirt at him. He charged her. (I doubt she flew backwards nearly as gracefully as did). It was then that I realized how I had been tip toeing around Loachan, not giving him a reason to react. I had been walking on egg shells and letting the fear and anxiety build within me. I remember driving to the barn one night, crying like a baby at the idea of having to halter my horse, hating myself for being such a "panzy" and mad as hell that I had let it get that far.


Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I wasnt just scared of Loachan... no horse could be trusted. And horses started looking at me funny too. They didn't like my jumpy nervous energy, which only compounded the problem.

Finally a good friend put her foot down and told me I needed "to get that crazy horse gone!". I was forced to agree. One fine March day she picked him up. I never saw him again.


I was without horses for over a year. Many misadventures followed. I bought Ellie, Ghala, and Shaunti.... then finally my Abby.


Four years later, I am at Step Five in my Ten Step "I am scared of horses" recovery program.


What are the steps?


Step One- Admit that I am scared of horses....


...and that this is a rational and healthy survival instinct designed to ensure that I always put my personal safety first.

*note* never, ever, ever, let a horse know about Step 1!! Its our little secret....


Step Two- Promise yourself that you will not buy, ride or handle horses that are insane.


Step Three- Learn and adopt the tools and methods you need in order to be able to handle horses safely.

Tune in tomorrow to find out how I accomplished Step Three.

18 comments:

  1. Sweetie- I am so sorry you had to live through this pain! You are brave in just posting that you have a fear at all. Many wouldn't admit it!
    If you read my post Stinks on Ice, You'll see that I understand. I've ridden everything under the sun, and I've been scared plenty. The last time I was scared was about three years ago, when my youngster threw me HARD! Since I'm getting older I don't bounce and boy it took a lot of juice to get back on. But I did. And I know you did too. A healthy fear of horses is essential to riding. You have to know your limits to exceed them.
    Not everyone should train horses, thats a fact. But if you are going to ride them you need to get over that fear, and stop tiptoeing around. Horses are herd animals and you have to be the top dog-always. Top dogs don't ask- they demand- and then they reward. That doesn't mean you have to beat them, but you still have to be Numero Uno- no exceptions.
    You sound like a resilient young woman and I hope that your fear is healthy and that you will continue to enjoy the company of horses. Kiss your friend for me too- for her taking away the horse that rightfully shouldn't have be sold to you in the first place. (BTW- he looks identical to my present mount Desi! ) Hes hoping that he found an owner that was right for him, one that he didn't hurt as badly.
    Good post!

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  2. Hmmmmm.....what is it with you and "bad boy" horses??? LOL!!!
    This post is really making me think, because I have never been fearful of a horse on the ground (on their backs is a different story with me though!!), and I have been around nasty, unpredictable, crazy ones.

    On the ground, I am always the boss (similar to what Vacquero Girl said), and I make that known to all horses...all the time. Maybe it is because I am a bossy person by nature??? LOL!!!

    Don't get me wrong...I have a healthy respect/fear of horses, and have seen what they can do. (Hence why I make a point of passing my "Boss Mare" mentality onto my kidlets!) Horses are dangerous, unpredictable animals, and you can never let your guard down with them, because they will always (not all horses, but most) test your dominance. A little nugde here and there can turn into a nip, and a nip can turn into a bite, and a bite can turn into a lunge, and bam...someone is hurt.

    I guess I am trying to say that you can never be too careful, but you can quit picking out horses that "need help." Your next horse should be an older, experienced one that will take care of you, and help restore your faith in horses, not the other way around.
    Just a thought...lol!!! (Sorry, I am letting my psychologist and mommy side come out!!)

    Thanks for sharing all of this with us, and I hope that you don't take my comments the wrong way.
    I hope that you will once again find true companionship with an equine again.
    Want me to help you pick out your next horse??? LOL!!!

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  3. You know what's funny? I swear I've either read this before or am having a deja vue moment! lol!

    Really though, thanks for sharing this story again. The longer your don't ride, the more time a fear has to fester, too.
    I'm just starting that phase. Everytime I got to phyical therapy and struggle in pain and frustration trying to regain my ability to walk and move my leg, I ask myself, "is riding a horse again worth the chance of going through this hell all over again?".
    I just don't know right now....

    I just don't know.

    (((HUGS)))
    ~Lisa

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  4. Awww Chelsi -

    I am sorry you had to put up with that crap! I went through something similar when i was very young but had a couple of mentors and later a "get real or get out moment" that helped me conquer my fear - a blog post for a later day.

    Anyway - it took some guts to share that - so there - you see... you got them. Just need to put them to work for you.

    Maybe in this upcoming week I will share some of my "not so great horsey moments with you" sometimes it helps just to know that others have been in your place.

    My love of horses would not allow me to remain scared - as I believe will be the case for your Horse Crazed Mind as well....sending you nothing but the best thoughts...

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  5. Hey Chels - I read the Loachin story the first time you posted it. If memory serves me right that was part of our blog buddy bonder... I was dealing with similar issues of fear with Quinn.

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  6. THANK YOU ALL SOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS!! I wish I had this blog when I was going through that... I could have used it. (though it is still nice to hear now).

    I hope I didnt give you all the wrong impression. I still have fear of horses but it is the healthy now. Tomorrows post will be about how I "found" horses again and regained my confidence. I still get a little iffy if a horse gets really worked up on the ground but overall I have overcome my fear enough to be able to enjoy horses again. It was tough going for a while. I was lucky to have some really good friends to kick my butt a little (when need be). Kelci and Barb especially. Before I lost my confidence I will admit that I was not only the "leader" but I could actually be a little bit of a bully...I used "brute" horsemanship not the natural type:) I have always apprecaited the rules and roles of leadership in horses but knowing what you need to do and actually being able to do it are two different things.....it is really hard to fake confidence with horses. They can see right through any false bravado. (Which is one of the best things about them, dont you think?) So while I knew what I needed to do in order to take back leadership, I didnt have the guts to see it through.

    With Cheekeye/Loachan it was not a leadership issue. That horse had been abused and was playing by a different rule book. My trainer spent a lot of time talking to me about what went wrong with him. I was just lucky that I didnt get myself killed trying to work with him myself. It took three months for a very talented trainer to teach that horse to use is feet to run rather than fight. These things happen for a reason. If I hadnt had him, I would never been forced to learn the tools I have today.

    Thank you all!!

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  7. THANK YOU ALL SOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS!! I wish I had this blog when I was going through that... I could have used it. (though it is still nice to hear now).

    I hope I didnt give you all the wrong impression. I still have fear of horses but it is the healthy now. Tomorrows post will be about how I "found" horses again and regained my confidence. I still get a little iffy if a horse gets really worked up on the ground but overall I have overcome my fear enough to be able to enjoy horses again. It was tough going for a while. I was lucky to have some really good friends to kick my butt a little (when need be). Kelci and Barb especially. Before I lost my confidence I will admit that I was not only the "leader" but I could actually be a little bit of a bully...I used "brute" horsemanship not the natural type:) I have always apprecaited the rules and roles of leadership in horses but knowing what you need to do and actually being able to do it are two different things.....it is really hard to fake confidence with horses. They can see right through any false bravado. (Which is one of the best things about them, dont you think?) So while I knew what I needed to do in order to take back leadership, I didnt have the guts to see it through.

    With Cheekeye/Loachan it was not a leadership issue. That horse had been abused and was playing by a different rule book. My trainer spent a lot of time talking to me about what went wrong with him. I was just lucky that I didnt get myself killed trying to work with him myself. It took three months for a very talented trainer to teach that horse to use is feet to run rather than fight. These things happen for a reason. If I hadnt had him, I would never been forced to learn the tools I have today.

    Thank you all!!

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  8. Okay...got it!!! Sometimes what we try to convey doesn't come out right, or isn't interpreted correctly by the readers. I have had that happen on a few occasions, where I will write something, and then read the comments and scratch my head in confusion...lol!!!

    Oh and yes, horses (any animal for that matter) can see through false bravado. That is why I have to be Boss Mare when it comes to my kidlets and the horses. The kidlets may act tough, but they are really just little pushovers, and those horses know it...lol!!! They do know that I am not however, and they always think twice before bullying one of the kidlets.

    Again...I am sorry that your heart has been broken so many times by horses, but I am glad that you have been able to grow as a horse woman! :)

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  9. I guess in spite of everything, I've been very, very lucky. Poco could have easily turned out that way. And let's be honest, he still could, although we're going into our third year together. Anything can happen at any time, and it's is indeed scary just how fast.

    You are wise to acknowledge your fear and to work with it. We all know you can't fool a horse with false bravado.

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  10. You're a brave soul to face your fears to be able to do the thing you love. I like your step program and can't wait to see the rest of the steps.

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  11. You know it takes a very strong person to admit a fear. It's those who don't that perpetuate and fall deeper into their fear and ultimately can be seriously hurt.

    I too developed a fear about 9 years ago after severing my ACL in a fall that was totally my fault. I let my pride control me and now I have a painful reminder everyday of where my pride got me, and I have struggled with my fear every since, but my fear has kept me safe since. I like to call it and overly healthy respect now of the horses I handle daily. Looking forward to the rest of the steps.

    Kara

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  12. The guy that owned my mare before us tried the same thing. Thankfully he lost interest in torturing her before he got too far along. He too would TIE her to a post so that she couldn't move while he did whatever to her. Then he'd run her in a round pen until she about fell down tired. Real cowboys, huh?? Made our lives difficult, that's for sure, dangerous for you. Thankfully you found your guru to help. Can't wait to read the rest :)

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  13. It definately takes a strong person to be able to admit their fears. I have similar fears as well. I used to be a fearless rider. I'd get on anything, lead anything, do anything, etc. But after dislocating the same shoulder 4 times... well, lets just say I REALLY don't want to have surgery! And if I continued on the way I was going, that is likely where i'd be now. Getting plowed over by a horse I was trying out to potentialy buy was my first knock back to reality. She buldozed me over when I was putting her back out in her feild and the rest of the horses followed suit. Had it not been for my helmet still on my head I likely wouldn't be sitting here today. Now every time I feel a horse tense up ender me, or act up on the end of a lead, It's all I can do to keep from bracing that shoulder and not getting hurt. It's kind of scary. I'd sooner land head first than put my arm out to break my fall. haha I should really do something about that!

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  14. Holy Buckets C...you have been through some stuff with horses. Not fun! It's obvious how much you really care and want to give the best opportunity to all that are lucky enough(even if you are not so lucky having to deal with them)to fall under your care.

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  15. Wow, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, but I'm sure you've helped others by sharing.

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  16. psst! I have a secret. I, too, am afraid. I've tried taking lessons with confidence builder horses. I even bought one, but it didn't work for me. I stayed nervous. I stayed uncomfortable that I wasn't in complete control. Then, we rescued Casey. Casey is shy. He NEEDS me to be confident so he can be confident. And you know what? I am with him. Because I have to be what he needs and it works for me. Maybe that confidence will translate over with other horses in the future.

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  17. Wow, I am so glad that you all were able to follow my story and get what I was really trying to say! Thanks for telling your stories too!

    I really do wish I had this blog then!

    Hope you enjoy the coming posts!

    Thank you guys sooo much!

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  18. Wow -- I have so been there & I, too, had to let him go.

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