Friday, September 12, 2008

Alberta Tip- Part 4

A friend and I were talking about my latest blog topic yesterday and she mentioned that, of all the fireman that she knows (5 in all) not one of them is "hot". She wanted to know if my Alberta firemen were truly "smokin'" or if perhaps it the Cuervo talking. For the record, of the six men that we became friendly with, not one could have been caring more than 8% body fat (that is technical jargon for freakin ripped!) and only one was a double bagger.

**** Note: If you are easily offended in the slightest or even if you tend to be pretty well seasoned to men and their crassness please have this serve as WARNING that offense may very well be taken by the following definition of a "double bagger". Read at your own risk!*****

What in the hell a "double bagger"?....You really don't want to know!! It is a slang term that I picked up during my teenage redneck years. I am not particularly proud that it remains in my vocabulary (though I try to stickily limit its use outside of my internal monologue.) The term was developed by men (are you surprised?) to describe woman that have a great body and plenty of "assets" but who were not blessed with a pretty face. A woman like this would be a called a "single bagger" because you would have to put a paper bag over her face to.... well you get the point. A "double bagger" on the other hand describes a woman with a face so hideous that you had better "double bag-her", just in case the first one rips. Nice, eh? On with my story....

The rest of the men where reasonably attractive and all but one where gentlemen. They were funny, easy going and full of fun. We did not buy a single drink the entire week...but that is not to say that I did not earn them a drink or two.....

Ash and I made the long drive to Edmonton (or was it Calgary?) to go to the infamous Cowboys Nightclub. We were about an hour or two into our drive there when I realized that I had forgotten my wallet! Only I could get myself in to this situation! I was finally able to legally enter a bar but didnt have the I.D. to prove it! Ash was not particularly happy with me as I tend to be horribly forgetful, which had been known to cause all sorts of inconveniences. Having come so far we decided that it was at least worth trying to sneak me in rather than turn around.

As we stood in line to get inside, and with every step closer to the bouncers, I felt my nerves build. Two burly men wearing black T-Shirts with "Cowboys" written across the front were waiting for us when we finally made it to the door. Both had a skeptical look on their face. My voice quivering, I explained that I was actually eighteen but that I had forgotten my license! He eyed us up for a moment and then asked,

"Do you think you look as old as Queen Elizabeth?"

I stared at him blankly.
"What!!?", I said, in a oblivious tone.
"Get out of here, both of you!" He grumbled and turned to the next person in line.

Ash shot me a annoyed look. We started to walk back towards the car, heads hanging low when a man ran up behind us and touched my shoulder.

"Hey, thought you might like to know that the bouncer was asking you for a $20 to slip you in..." Noticing our blank looks he added, "Queen Elizabeth would be the face on a twenty dollar bill!"

I could have hugged him. Grabbing a twenty from Ash, we got back in line. As we approached the bouncers again I gave him the cutest smile I could muster, batted my eye lashes a few times and said, "I am way hotter than ol'Liz! and slipped him the twenty. He could only grin as we walked inside.

We were both pretty jacked up about the whole thing and were quick to tell our story to the firemen when we found them hunkered (no pun intended) around a table in the corner. Their laughter helped to break the tension between Ash and I. The club was dark and busy, with flashy lights and loud music. A large crowd filled the dance floor and everyone seemed to be dancing in singles to the techno version of a hot new song. Ash grabbed my arm and pulled me into the middle of the dance floor. I felt the music start to pump through me as my body bobbed with the beat. My mind went blank as I let the last thread of tension fall away. My hips were swaying back and forth and my arms waved in the air. My hair bounced around my face as I looked over at Ash, a few feet away, and noticed that she too seemed to have let go. She looked over at me with a smile and nodded her head, as if to say, "lets have some fun!"

A new song started, faster than before, the energy around me picked up and surged through my body. More people began to stream on to the dance floor. I felt like I had been swallowed up whole. Allowing the beat to carry me, I moved off to a section with a bit more elbow room. As I stepped clear of the crowd, I felt my shoe slide on something slippery. I went to step back but my momentum had already pitched me forward. I tried but failed to find purchase on the slick but sticky surface. As I slid to the floor I reached out to break my fall but my hand found nothing but a greasy gooey mess and sharp shards of glass. The cement floor and my tail bone collided, causing my jaw to clamp shut on my tongue. Exasperated, I sat for a moment in a pool of spilled beer and broken bottles, wondering at my own clumsiness. How could I have fallen flat on my ass, in the middle of a dance floor, twice in the span of three days? I felt a sharp stinging sensation in my forearm and glanced down to find a three inch portion of a amber brown beer bottle jutting out of my smooth and pale skin. Blood pooled into my hand and covered the front of my shirt. Before I could catch my breathe, I felt hands pulling me to my feet and escorting me off the dance floor.

Slightly stunned, and still bleeding profusely, I was whisked into the managers office and given a towel in which to wrap my arm. Ash stood next to me, speechless. I was too caught up in myself to notice how agitated and nervous the manager was. He asked if I wanted to see a doctor or if I wanted to "go back with my friends and enjoy the party?" He reached into his desk drawer and withdrew a stack of twenty or so small cards, handing them to Ash. We headed out of his office with a bandage in hand and enough free drink tickets to last all of eight of us the night. I had been paid off. I had also agreed to be the designated driver. I was in for a long night.


  1. Wellllll geesh! Heal up quick I hope!

    I just *had* to come back for a peep at the eye candy. A long time ago, in another lifetime, when I was a FF, We were sorely SORELY lacking on hotties. Then we took a trip to FDNY.
    Let me just say that *ahem* it was a seriously wonderful trip. THEN... THEN I went to the International FF convention in Inner Harbor, MD.... and ooooooeeeee.... talk about eye candy. I kept having hot flashes and heat waves the whole four days I was there.


    Did someone turn up the heat in here? Its a tad on the warm side....

  2. LOL!!! I cannot believe that you fell and cut your arm like that! Where were the FF/EMT's when you needed them?!

    OK...I haven't heard of the term "double-bagger" in a really long time. Too funny. I have jokingly used it in reference to the opposite sex. You know..."He wouldn't be so bad if you put a bag on his head first..."
    Terrible, I know ;)

  3. Double bagger! Not so bad How do you think Coyote Ugly came about!!Ha HA AH! You fell Again!! Friend you need to dress like the michelin man when you go out! Yes where were thos firemen? I was expectinmg to read they swept you off your feet and carried you to safety. Where they too extreme care in bandaging you battle wounds!!

  4. Mrs Mom- you are one lucky woman! I wouldnt have been able to keep the drool contained!

    Melanie- I know! Double bagger is a mean! but too funny not to use. I cant remember the firemen helping me that night (but they probably did), but they drank my booze tickets!

    Train- Coyote Ugly...*sigh* now that does beat double bagger. lol
    I should have some hero story to go with this one but they didnt see me fall or know that I was hurt till I came back with the drink tickets. Trust me, if I had, I would have been all over the hero story! :)

  5. I caught up on your blog today - only didn't have time to leave comments on anything. So I came back to it tonight.

    I really enjoyed this post. Boy it seems like you guys had alot of fun! I would've totally card the drink cards and left for the bar again - would've patched myself up the next day. What the heck were you the DD for? Man!!! Oh well, it sounds like you had fun anyway.

    Nice series of posts!

  6. Steph- Oh well, I was always DD because I generally dont drink. I probably could have used a few that night. I cant handle my all! LOL and I am a BIG time lightweight! (in terms of drinking, my ass is a far cry from "lightweight!")