Wasted Guy vs Flip Flop

If Anderson Cooper can cover it, so can I!

*** PS- check out the new polls ------> ***

Women Against Psychic Bladders Unite!

I think my bladder is psychic! Or at the very least totally masochistic. If I am twenty minutes from home and I have to go pee, I can hold it with no problem....right up until the driveway. As I approach the house the urge gets stronger....by the front door I'm starting to get worried... and as I walk in the house take my jacket off and start down the hall I'm starting to panic... things turn urgent... and then... then I get to washroom!... but not in the washroom! Oh no! I'm poised just outside the door...standing there... doing the pee pee dance! ....as I stare longingly at the toilet. Finally I make the final dash but wait! There is one last step. The pants! The pants must come down! Another pee pee dance ensues. And then... well then, relief alas. Why? Why couldnt that sneaky little voice trick my bladder into thinking that we were still miles away from a washroom? Why must it always let the secret fly just a few feet short of home? I wanna know, dammit! Why?! Btw, this is nothing new. I remember when I used to walk home from school it was the same story, every day. I'd get to within five houses of home and BAM! It'd hit. I gotta go! Now! What is really embarrassing is that I lived in a cul-de-sac and so it's not like I was able to just stop in front of my neighbors house and do a little pee pee dance for a minute. Oh no! I'd have to come up with some inconspicuous task to use as an excuse to stop... you know, check my back back, tie my shoe (or untie and re-tie I should say) or stop and admire my neighbor's garden. The sweet lady next door must of thought I was obsessed with her pansies! But eventually I'd make it through the front door and then it was game on! My bladder and I'd have a throw-down, show-down. The nearest bathroom? Upstairs... seven small steps... seven agonizing steps to freedom.

Why not just go before leaving school you ask? Because I didnt have to go then. Oh no! And these days my bladder doesn't give up that pertinent little bit of news before I leave the grocery store or restaurant either. No! No! It is sadistic freak of nature that knows just which bathroom is mine! So it lays in wait, holding tight until it senses the moment to strike! Just a few feet short of the blessed, blasted toilet, it springs to life! But I shall play slave to no man... or organ! (that doesnt sound right, does it?)... I am a strong, confident, woman in firm control of her bladder! And so I fight! I fight! And I'll win, dammit!

I'm going to start a club, "Women Against Psychic Bladders Unite!" WAPBU for short.

Are you in!?!

Oh! And I discovered something else! All of these pin up girls we thought were trying to be sexy?! Well they're not! Oh no, they're doing the pee pee dance!!! Check it out!

If this doesnt make you laugh....

I give up.

(VOLUME ON)



(Please excuse the close up on the goat balls)

Oh and who hasnt seen "David after the dentist"

I am SO ordering this T-shirt!!

The 80's- Its baaaaaaaaaack!!

Is it just me, or does it seem that the 80's are pushing for a comeback?

I've seen some alarming fashion trends that are giving me disturbing flashbacks to my childhood. I was born in '82 after all! Though some could be called "early 90's" trends I guess. Think punk rock, Cyndee Lopper, and the ultra unflattering high waisted, tight ankled jeans...oh and even better, the panties that went with them. Heavy, caked on makeup with funky eye shadow colors, colorful madhouse cut hair...

(Supermodel Agyness Deyn in 2009!!)

....leggings, ankle boots, puffed sweaters and heaven forbid... oh dear lord, they're back... shoulder pads!!! *runs from the computer in horror!*

(New York Fashion week 2009!!! Apparently the heroin addicted model look goes hand in hand with shoulder pads!)

A mishmash of florescent colors, patterns, textures and over sized plastic jewellery. Really, are we going to be forced to endure this yet again? Or will it be allowed to pass by us "little people", to stain only the couture jet set with its metallic cinch belts and acid wash?

(Above: Miley Cyrus channeling her inner 80's Billy Ray)



Above: Nikki Reed lookin' "fly" in a Marty McFly (MJ Fox in Back the Future) inspired hightops!




(Above) Scarlet Johanson sporting a head band, skinny jeans, and sneakers (yes, I said sneakers!) and the boat neck over a tank top look that gave me a flashback to Flashdance.... (this look was one of my personal fav's back in the day.)





Rihanna in hot pink pants (I would have killed for a pair of those in 92!)


Let us not forget the Queen of Fashion (and David Becham's balls (soccar balls, that is! Jeeze! What were you thinkin'??) in no less than an off the shoulder jump suit.

And so long as we are bring back the 80's shouldn't the Barenaked Ladies rules apply? (so what if they were big in the 90s! This is my blog and if I say they're from the 80's in order to make some not-so-funny crack about some poor starving actress in a horrible green dress, that's my business!)

"And if I had a million dollars...(if I had a million dollars)... I'd buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress that's cruel!)"

(Michelle Connely at the "He's just not that into you" Premiere)

But there is one fabulous 80's product I was very excited to see reemerge on TV infomercial last night!

Why it's the MINI TRAMPOLINE!!!! YAYAYAH!!!!

*dusting off my Jane Fonda Work out VHS*

Lindsay Lohan clearly saw the infomercial and is ready to hop aboard donning 80's inspired workout wear!

Okay, I dont know about you but I'd like to boycott this latest fashion trend all together... so...

Do me a favor will ya? Smack me if I stop tweezing my eye brows! Please. Just a swift one right upside the head.

Until then...

*she chants*....

"I will not perm my hear! I will not perm my hair! I will not perm my hear..."

The Pole Dancing Bear...

To lighten things up I thought I'd post some of the neat little links I've been forwarded in my e-mail over the past few months....

Of which, my favorite by far was the Pole Dancing Bear...(MUSIC ON!!)



Here is a link for a photo taken at the inauguration of President Obama. What is crazy about it is the resolution and how close you can zoom into any given person. It looks like nothing but a sea of indistinct people but you can actually zoom in so close as to see the Lincoln's Bible on Michelle's lap!

Click here for the link!

(Zoom using the tool on the upper left hand corner and grab and pull the picture to redirect where you are zooming into.)

Here is video from America's Got Talent featuring a magical act called Quick Change Artists. At first I was impressed but not wowed...magic isn't really my "thing" but in the end I had to begrudgingly admit I was baffled, confused, and in awe.



Another my family and I had fun with was this facial recognition test.

Here is how it works:

Facial recognition test:
There are two parts A and B, and each part will have 12 photos of faces.
You only have a short time, 4 seconds, to see each face before the program
moves to the next face. Part A will begin and when that is finished, they
recommend a 5 minute break. Then, you can start Part B. When Part B is
finished, the actual test will begin. The test will consist of showing 48
faces and below each face you will have a choice of choosing whether you
have seen the face, either in Part A or in Part B, or whether or not you
have seen the face at all. After you have made your selection for face
number 48 your score will appear and you will be able to see how you
scored. Good luck!

Here is the link to the test!

Oh and by the way, I totally found the perfect job...

Have you ever heard of Matt Harding?

or

"Where in the hell is Matt?"

I want a job as his sidekick!



And last but not least, have any of you ever received one of these freaky little games that seem to read your mind?

Click here for the link!

*sniffle*

I would like to call the following photo series, "Moon Rising over Kitchen Sink"...

Seriously.

Or not.

(I actually took these photos over a 7 minute time period. While standing over my kitchen sink... or in front of my kitchen sink. Like, I wasn't standing on the counter top or anything.)

If you scroll down really fast and you can watch the moon rise!!! Which in my moderately stoned mind (on cold medication) is like totally groovy, man!

It is really cold outside but there is not a cloud in the sky. The sun is shining. It is 6:45pm (or was when I started this post) and still light out! There is a cute little bay gelding named AJ sitting in a field out there... just waiting to be ridden. A beautiful blue dog laying at my feet... just dying to go for a walkabout. And I am stuck inside....miserable. Sad. Lonely. Dejected. My nose is... well, dripping. My bones ache. My head hurts. Did anyone bring some cake to my little pity party? Oh dear, that was nice of you... please do hand me over a slice, will ya? Oh, and please do be sure to give me one with a a nice big rose shaped dollop of oil whipped icing on top? If you may. Thank you.

You know, inside of my is a thin beautiful woman just screaming to be let out.... but I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies. Cheers!

Why yes, I am on some cold medicine. Why do you ask?

Oh, I'm talking to myself again? Well, there is hardly anyone else out'n'about for me to talk to, now is there? Where was I?

Ah yes, I was going to do a post about how I want a horse. But then I remembered that I actually technically DO own a horse- My mare Abby. But then, she doesn't really "count" because I put her out on a breeding lease for nearly two years... after paying for Kari to train her for a year...Which sounded like a great idea...

But then I went out and paid to lease a horse (not Abby) .... which sounds a little nonsensical... when you think about it... but I had good reasons...I cant remember what they were just now, but I am positive that they were very logical and prudent...

but then I went ahead and leased AJ...

Which doesnt make sense, when ya think about. I have to respect the wishes of his owners and cant do what it is I want to do with him.

Which is why I think it'd be great to own my horse, so that I can do whatever I want with her. And I would benefit from the time and effort I invest in her. And I could determine who, what, when and where she is ridden. And what is or is not in her best interest. And I will control the universe within which she resides!!!

But then I remember... Ah, yes... that's right! I ALREADY own a horse. A horse that is SO well trained that I was worried about bringing her home and screwing her up! And I planned on taking lessons the whole time she was gone so that I could be a suppa-star reiner by the time she came back to me. But I haven't taken a lesson... or ridden (except for once)... since NOVEMBER... I think... I really cant remember!! Because LIFE happened in between. My horsey bankroller found other commitments... other money sucking vampires to leach his account dry... things like money making business ventures...investments... and other totally responsible, boring old enterprises like that...

AND, more importantly.... I needed to focus on NON-HORSEY things! Like school. And art. And writing. Building a future. A career. Travelling the world. Figuring out the secret to life. And other such bullshit.

All of which I fully intend on doing in the very near future... if only I could stop thinking about riding, breeding, selling, buying, training, and generally lusting over horses all night and day long.

I need therapy. Oh yah! Horses were my therapy. And oddly, my drug of choice.

Well... besides Tylenol Cold and Flu....

Have I made a total ass of myself yet? I have! Great! My job here is done! Goodnight!